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Thursday, June 30, 2011 @ 12:20 AM
Recurring thoughts on "Men of Justice" So 《法网群英》has ended. Though it's my second time watching, the last episode is still as impactful as ever. I liked the calmness of the show - no big fancy police-chase-thief actions, no bickering over every small things of life trying to spice up the climate of the show and no bombastic plot. Just a very sincere portrayal of controversial issues in society with sharp dialogues (court scene for each case typically ends within 1 - 2 episodes) as we follow through the subtle development of characters. For the last episode, the best part is that many things were left unspoken - let the music and expressions do the talking. 静静的，淡淡的，但实在的。 I just cannot fail to be affected by the relationship b/w Patrick and xiao chiu (i think...). She's silly yet innocently cute, but in spite of the foolish things she says or does, has a deeper mature side of her. It started off with her making unreasonable demands, later starting off with su yong kang but failing to get a simple promise of marriage left him. She returned eventually only to leave again after receiving a phone call (about her mum being very sick) - I'm not entirely sure why she had to leave though. While she said that she was leaving to take care of her mum, both of them knew that it was real goodbye. In the last scene when they met again, it was in the police station where he bailed her out for the charge of assault on another woman who supposedly snatched her customer. It's still a puzzle to me why she had to leave, what made her walk this path and how did their relationship develop in this direction even though things were going really fine. Patrick: Let me give you a ride. Chiu: No, I reek of alcohol. I don't want it to permeate your entire car. Patrick: You know I don't mind. Chiu: (Lost for words and tears filling her eyes) *left in a taxi* Thanks. This is the last time. And so that was the last time they met. It's just a small subtle story to the entire larger picture that the show is trying to bring across. But it just disturbs me at the back of my mind. Really, how can things actually develop in this direction? It reminds me of the scene in Healing Hands 3. I've forgotten almost everyone else except for Henry. And with him is the character Sarah. Their final scene together was in a car. The traffic turned red and Sarah got off to take a cab instead. He requested to at least see her to her home - for the last time. She declined saying that it was pointless. 没用的. whatever that should have ended would have ended no matter how much you try to postpone the final moment and what does the delay/drag means after all if it were to end anyways? The entire scene stayed with me till today and the sense of helplessness in this whole episode really puzzles me especially since there was no real compelling reason for them to leave each other. Anyway, moving back to the show. I liked what Sun Ming Hua said - I remember this feeling. That is in spite of her not remembering who Joe is. Reminds me of what MXL said in MDWAV - Memories may fade away, but the feelings remains. As for Yang Weisen, this statement striked me - We should stop commiting more mistakes to cover up for past misrakes. (aka, the first mistake should never have been committed). Parallely, he said "Sun Ming Hua was the least deserving of death. *pauses* softly so was Jinmao." Subtly, we see how things work in a cycle. His first mistake made was to cause the death of his undercover colleague Jinmao. Subsequently, so much effort was put into covering up the mistakes until the last one (who was just as innocent) died. And things just had to end there and then - on the same note. Probably these are repeated thoughts from previous watch, but nonetheless just had to pen them down. Monday, June 27, 2011 @ 12:13 AM
The Last Lecture Been having quite a bit of pent up feelings for the past few days. For unknown reasons, I feel like a pressure cooker and am ready to snap at anything I see/hear/experience (not verbally though). The weekend saw me being even more lethargic such that I actually exclaimed to be absolutely exhausted - something that I don't usually say (and haven't said, if my memory didn't fail me.) Even though I did say that work is piling up such that I dunno where to start from, I don't think that in itself was the determining factor - been through worse during semester time but will just keep going. I guess I was just in the wrong mood, which influenced the way I perceive things thereby reinforcing the negative feelings. It's fortunate that I decided to take some time off to watch "The Last Lecture" video. Well, that means work was left undone but at least it fixes my mind and things would probably fall better in place thereafter. Anyway, I've always enjoyed listening to such talks and in this lecture, the prof was teaching lessons of life (of how to live your life) through the perspective of achieving childhood dreams. Amidst numerous inspiring lines that were said, one striked me - "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." I guess that's how life stories form - even though people start with a certain dream in mind, reality tends to unfold stochastically and in the least expected manner, shape the way you think and who you are. What we see is how we have diverged from the original dream (and that could be a pain), but what really matters is how the journey played a definitive role in moulding the soul - and that is something that we usually appreciate only in retrospect, but that is truly the life story accumulated from what is known as experience. Nothing is really lost nor gained, until you choose to see it that way. He also mentioned about how it's a good sign to have people pointing out your mistakes - because if they don't, it means they have given up on you. On that note, I do wish that people could be harsher on me (hopefully they haven't been that critical because they were trying to be nice, not that they see no hope in doing so). More importantly, on my part, I have to learn how to take criticisms more gracefully. So that's one thing I should learn - not to take things too personally and use the falling point as a new starting point. There was a story of how his coach actually made football players stand in position that they weren't made to - for just a match. The players displayed enthusiasm which stunned the opponents - yes, they were in the wrong position but also, they had nothing to lose except to give it their best shot. Taking this in a tangential manner, I feel that I've been very risk adverse in doing things. Whereas new ideas do pop in my head every now and then, I tend to dismiss them or put in KIV mode (only to be forgotten thereafter). Then I return to my usual tried-and-tested routine that isn't all too exciting but just slightly comforting in knowing that I am doing something. Is that something that I really want to do? I'd say that I'm cool with doing these and there are always lesson to take away no matter how insignificant the activity might be; but my real desire would be to do something more radical or rather, something more distinctively me. He mentioned about how brickwalls in our lives do not serve to shut us from our dreams but to separate us from those who didn't really want to get to the end. Obstacles are opportunities are us to see and display how badly we want to attain the goal; the more badly we want it, the harder we try. And that's another lesson for me - I think I'm a rather skeptical person; be it of things I see, things people say and simply of myself. Many a times, I simply cannot commit myself to trust anything and this lack of belief is beyond a healthy level of doubt. That, I perceive to stem from a lack of confidence to trust which boils down ultimately to a form of self-criticism - I can't believe in my ability to believe. The fix can only come from within and I will have to build it from scratch - no more excuse, no more running away. The speaker was inspiring on this note - of how he will persevere to get what we wants no matter how crazy the wish might be. That can only come from confidence in what he believes in and this is a strong form of persuasion. He shared with us how he achieved his dreams, how he helped others achieve their dreams and how to go about achieving them. The general sense I get is that it all boils down to karma. Everything goes in a circle. You receive guidance from a mentor, accumulate experiences along the way and at some time, it's just natural to pass down the lessons received + your interpretation + additional stories to the ones next in line; and the whole cycle repeats for the young ones. 传承 is probably one of the most powerful yet unspoken tools that withstood the test of evolution. That, in itself, is perhaps the most inspiring element of anyone's life journey. Monday, June 20, 2011 @ 11:32 PM
太透明 - 插班生 Addicted to this song - starting today. It grows on me. 太透明 - 插班生 心里烟花绽放着 却无助地推开你了 不敢与你靠近 与你疏离 与你变回忆 害怕给你我的心 还是碎成五裂四分的心 怎么会错了时机 错了距离 错过了这感情 原来自欺欺人这颗心分开才明白己爱得痴迷 来不及 你已离去 痛得很彻底 终于明白遗憾的定义 唱着这首歌曲 是否唱得太透明 太透明 托付给你的心 结果碎成五裂四分的心 怎么会错了时机 错了距离 错过了这感情 原来自欺欺人这颗心分开才明白只是独角戏 来不及 你已离去 痛得很彻底 终于明白心酸的定义 唱着这首歌曲 是否唱得太透明 太用力 如果再次给你我的心 结果还是碎成五裂四分的心 到底是错了时机 错了距离 可怜了这段感情 就算再次给你我的心 能否换回一颗完整的心 来不及 你已离去 回不到过去 终于明白心寒的定义 唱着这首歌曲 是否唱得太透明 太透明 The multiple layers of emotion make the entire song simply alluring. The chorus isn't repeating itself; every paragraph has its own story to tell. Piece them together and you might get one's life story. 就算只是一分钟的差距，也还是错过了。 Sunday, June 19, 2011 @ 12:10 AM
那就这样吧 那就这样吧。 快乐的生活点滴与美丽的回忆将保留在脑海里。 对我有恩的人，我心存感激。 令我受不了的人，恩怨也该放下与释怀了。 怨天尤人是于事无补，抱怨够了就该收拾心情。 感恩的话说多了就失去那特别的意义了。 这一刻起，该忘的就放了，该保留的就埋在心里。 从新出发，对过去的种种绝口不提。 新的一天，新希望。:) Friday, June 17, 2011 @ 10:30 PM
Just a mid-internship reflection Just a sudden thought - I'm happy with my internship job now. :) Maybe it's due to my limited experience in other areas, but I just can't imagine myself doing otherwise. It's quite miraculous how I ended up on this path. Back in sec/jc, I recall how I'd tell others that it wouldn't suit me in spite of feedbacks of how my personality or style of working is a good fit. I entered uni thinking that my 3 pure lab modules would be my most dreaded coursework. Initially, my gut feeling was somewhat right - I didn't quite enjoy labwork for my chemistry and biochemistry module. The turning point came when I embarked on the first of my 3 real lab modules - even though the experimental procedures were largely provided for, I enjoyed the process of obtaining data with uncertainties and from there, carry out analysis based on theoretical background. It's no longer about getting the precise "answer", e.g. in titration, but more of how I thought through the purpose of doing the experiments and in interpretting the results. It was fortunate that I had a couple of profs in that same semester who promoted their research during lectures/tutorials. That helped to sustain the momentum of my interest. In spite of my usual passive self, I was inspired enough to apply for an internship position. It was my real first time attempting to apply for any job, where I had to fill in CVs, send in application forms and attend interviews. I think I have to thank my ex-mentor from my current internship back then who played a major role in encouraging me to try out this path which I thought might be of interest. Things started to fall in place from then on. I was once again lucky to meet a good mentor who gave me the space to think and thereby fortifying the reason why I chose this path in the first place. This passion continued for the next one year as I embark on my undergraduate research project. Now, I'm back to where I started off officially and I'm loving it more and more. Where else is learning such an integral and necessary part of the job? Of course, things weren't all that smooth sailing. I started off clumpsy and ignorant. I looked for the "correct answer" when there's no such thing. Over the months, I accumulated experiences but also bad habits. Now, I'm glad to say that I'm in the process of rectifying those habits. More importantly, I've learnt to ask questions. And I feel that many a times, asking the right kind of question is more important that the answer since it determines the current/future direction - something important to anchor you down in this type of work where you can easily lose yourself. I'm still in the process of learning and I enjoy this journey. :) Shall use my status as a student to fully immerse in this pursuit of knowledge. How this passion might fare in face of reality is something that I need not consider at this moment. But I believe (and hope) that there is indeed a reconciliation point. “两条平行线总有交会的一天”- 向左走向右走 我体会过了，所以我相信。 Tuesday, June 14, 2011 @ 10:25 PM
Messy Havent been updating recently. 不是没东西说，是有太多的感想。 不是不知从何说起，而是无法用言语形容。 Been doing extensive hours of "music therapy" in order to clear the mind or heal the soul. Not that terrible things have happened neither am I particularly sad over anything. It's just that there's so many thoughts running through my mind that music seems to be the best way to put things back to order again. When different emotions/thoughts/feelings are all tangled up, invidivial songs help in pulling a specific tone/theme/emotion one at a time thereby making me aware of what's in existence and hopefully to find the truth within myself. Many a times, I have already made a decision subconsciously in my mind. When I ask for opinions, I either hope that others can concur with that hidden thought thereby making it obvious to me or that they will say otherwise and therefore I can run away from facing myself. The former is logical. The latter though seems counterintuitive but I guess it stems from a lack of confidence in knowing what I really want and hence the desire for support of alternatives to avoid the disappointment in finding out that what I thought I really want was indeed not what I really want. Once again, it's my overlapping layer of logic (that might not at all be logical) which I guess is the root of why I'm that indecisive. Before the subconscious choice surface, I might not know what is the decision that I would really want to make. But if other outcomes were to arise, I'd know that they were not the right one. So by process of elimination, I know that I simply cannot make certain decisions without acknowledging that at the end of the day, I would have created the greatest excuse backed by logical thoughts which still nonetheless fail to delude myself. 梁靜茹&盧廣仲-不是我不明白 流沙 - David Tao Dont rmb hearing this song before, but happened to chance upon it. 流沙代表无法自拔吗？ 黃品源 - 雙魚的責任 绝口不提爱你 - 郑中基 Wednesday, June 01, 2011 @ 9:49 PM
Changes Witnessed/heard several changes today. I recall that I used to resist changes, especially when I transit from secondary school. Today, in the face of so many real changes happening right in front of me, I realised that I've become pretty nonchalent to changes. Not sure if I've learnt to cope with changes, grown used to changes or just becoming disllusioned. Or maybe I've just stopped thinking about certain issues as they occur. Heard many people said many things today which set me thinking. For one, maybe the change isn't really a great deal, but it is the fact that there is a change that he/she doesn't like. For another, the change induces this fear of uncertainties yet he/she feels that he/she can only become stronger after being put through the few years of training. Some others stepped forward bravely and initiated the change in their life because they know things cannot go on just like this and it's time for them to think seriously over their future path. On hindsight, I think all these responses seem to reflect the evolution of how I feel/react towards changes. Pretty timely, I chanced upon this article in the newspaper just before leaving office - of how we tend to lose ourselves in the midst of life. The concluding sentence was "The purpose of life is not to find ourselves, but to lose ourselves." I don't think the author meant it literally, but it's really a wake up call to jolt those who are trapped in the webs of life. Often, we don't really look within ourselves to seek what we truly want. Rather, we look to the external environment in search of problems which then translates to a form of calling that defines our self. This is rather true yet kinda inevitable at the same time - I guess the question is, how can we find our 'self" without losing ourselves? There is no isolated soul and being surrounded by instituitions/circumstances in our daily lives will definitely play a part in moulding who we are. To reconcile our inner voices with the structure of surrounding circumstances, I think the least (or maybe the best) we can do is to be honest to ourselves. There is a difference between what I "want" and what I am "okay" with. It should not be a problem when we get what we're just "okay" with; the problem arise when we tell ourselves we're "okay" with it even though we're not. That's what I suspect people do often and I'm guilty of because so many of us complains about small little things in life every now and then and lament on how things might have been better "if only..." It's okay to try to fit into the environment, but only if the "okay" came from within. So ultimately, we do not have to discover or fulfil the truest and purest form of the 'self'. Rather the important thing is to be able to recognise and accept the altered 'self'. Otherwise the reflection in the mirror isn't you so it's time to realign yourself with the goals you've set out to pursue and not to be overly willing in accepting the social role you're expected to fit into. On a smaller scale, I think it's time for me to seriously think over what I want to get out of this internship. I gave myself a month of recovery, aka to slack. Next week marks Week 5 and this means time to start things off full swing! |