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Wednesday, January 18, 2012 @ 11:37 PM
I'm talking to myself I guess I will have to walk myself through my thought process on my blog. Seems lik it's my best buddy in terms of hearing me out, and I think it's the most effective channel too since I'm clearest and most responsible for my own decision. The issue here is, I have a job offer but I guess I will be declining it. Perhaps the answer has always been with me but I just ain't sure, so let me walk myself through it. When the call came, I was excited. It's my first job offer and one, I was glad to be accepted; next, the pay is good. My previous decision to go into grad studies was shakened. But time and again, I cannot imagine myself parting lab for good to go into the "working world". Yet at the same time, I think of the opportunity cost of going into grad studies. First losing income - I thought it wasn't impt initially. But when a real opportunity to earn a proper income was presented in front of me + I know I am going to face the reality of gradauting in a few months' time, it's just a totally different ball game altogether. Just can't be nonchalent about money issue and I started thinking about, wow I can start contributing to the family expenses. Next it's an uncertain path - I think I've fought a reasonably well battle thus far (well acty, I enjoyed the process so it wasn't really tt tough a path) to put me in a comfortable position of having a choice. To go to the next level will see me toiling through another battle again with no clear end in sight. I might triumph and end up where I really want to be, or I could just end up as an overqualified nobody. But I look within myself and I know tt in my idealistic world, I definitely want to walk down the research path. I once asked how can it reconcile with reality - dream vs bread and butter? And now my answer is.. They are not entirely decoupled. Well, grad studies come with scholarship too and I can always top up with tuitions and taking up teaching duties. It's tough, but who said working life equates to easy money? So money issue is down. Regarding uncertainty, the root of the problem lies in me being unconfident of my own capabilities. Throughout my entire life, how many ppl have told me I can do it and given me opportunities? What did I do in return? Continue thinking I can't do it and end up really not doing it well. I'm lucky to be in this position of having opportunities but I can complain about any absurd things under the sun tt's stopping me from getting there but alas I'm not doing justice to everyone including myself. At this university stage, I'm very surprised to be still receiving such help and I feel really ashamed for asking some things which can only serve to disappoint their efforts. I can never forget wad one JC teacher said to me (she wasn't my teacher), 'i dunno, ppl out there are grabbing all opportunities, but you have opportunities sent to you yet you are so passive about taking it up. We must kick you before you will move." I'm always reminded of it every now and then, and now I ask myself, y m i still like that after so many years? Just so happened, I had an interview yesterday and once again, I had someone guiding me to a clearer path. He added, "I have given you my advice, the rest is your own business." True, what did I expect? They have given me so much advices, tt they fell short of telling me, na this is the solution to your life which obviously doesnt exist. I guess I've been so pampered, protected and spoilt that I no longer know how to think for myself wrt my own life. But yup, no answer is going to drop from the sky. At uni level, I'm lucky enough to have helps drop upon me every now and then, sometimes really very very big help indeed. But beyond so, nobody is going to shelter me anymore. I have to pick up from where they left me. So back to the issue of me being unconfident of myself - if I remain so, it doesn't matter whether I am going for grad school or work, I won't succeed. I may be kicked out; I may be fired - if i dont deliver, there might be a second chance, but third and forth chance? I think not. So uncertainty is not a real issue - it's everywhere and I shld snap out of it wherever I might be. If I look back, my research were mostly unfocused and half-hearted. Why? If I look back, it's because I dont feel confident and it seems safer to put my eggs in many basket rather than one. I can't commit to the idea tt I'm going to do research, to do grad school; and so I feel tt im not doing quality research ... and so on. Impatience and unrealistic demand for instant results are definitely gonna trip me. I cannot commit to anything? Excuses! Snap out of it! Stop it! I have been presented with two clear path and I have to choose. My decision is clear now. Thank you. I will start stepping out of my comfort zone. The next time you hear of my reply, it should disappoint you no more. Friday, January 13, 2012 @ 1:00 AM
Goodbye lab Did my official lab clearance today. It was an arupt decision as I hadn't intended to surrender my locker key today. But I ended up handing over my stuff, signing the lab release form and settling all remaining to-dos. Mixed feelings. It's been 1.5 years - almost half of my uni life. Right now, I'm calm about it though. Hmm, somehow a mixture of events prompted me to look back at my blog's archive. Used to crazy and cryptic which evolved to become so cryptic that I don't quite recall what i was referring to back then to the more recently impersonal narration. I wonder if I lack the things to say, or have so much to say that I didn't know where to start from or that I was simply not facing up to myself. Maybe another new year resolution is to learn to be more truthful to myself. Had much more to say, but that's that so where should I move on from now? Tuesday, January 03, 2012 @ 1:21 AM
When Heaven Burns When Heaven Burns is one real good show that I've watched in recent years. Such intense emotions and complex personalities involved. In spite of its seemingly aura of hatred and betrayal, it sends out one striking message of letting go to free oneself of all inhibitions, unnecessary thinking and guessing, of others, and most importantly of onself. All these manifest in the "rock-n-roll" spirit perpetuated throughout the show.  I'm glad for the ending. *SPOILERS* Indeed, Rock Fest was held after all. All the friends put down their past grudges, step forward and played together as a band again. Finally, they've found their true selves again, rather than trying aimlessly to fit into the sort of people they ought to have become after what happened on the mountain back then. But I guess it also highlights one sad truth of life - how we gradually lose ourselves along the journey of life for reasons not as extreme as that in the show; some made it back to fulfil their initial dreams or get together with people who matters, others continue walking down aimlessly. Well, Gu Lao died. I dunno if I should say I'm glad he did, despite being my favourite character. He's such a complex character who cannot be easily understood. As others judge him, the more he sinks into the bottomless abyss of thoughts and in the end, everything that others think of him become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He's disconnected from the world, and yups, he had refused to let anyone in to his thoughts in the first place. Many label him as the "evil" character of the show. But I think he's not and I took a gamble to trust him till the end. He did not disappoint. He's really not evil and I think the biggest thing I can fault him for is probably his lack of courage to act the way he really is. But nonetheless he's still evil in the eyes of many and in a world that he can't fit in, probably death is the best way to end his story. He died a noble yet lonely death - as bystanders watched and the stray dog walked past. But I guess that's a consequence of his character - he who cannot be understood and he who remains alone. He has learnt to treasure people around him, or rather to express his concerns for them, starting from his wife. But perhaps it came too late. I'm not too sure what's the message that the director is trying to drive over here. So yups, a character whom I've learnt to trust till the last moment and the message of letting go. Truly an appropriate show to mark my New Year resolution and for a focussed reflection as I journey with the characters. My favourite BGM in the show. Ending in the exact way I hoped it will turn out to be =`D Let's all find back ourselves... 你对得起自己了吗？ As all the clips are taken down by TVB, [撐天與地]《天與地》： 天地有情慈善Band ! 尽管错 让我错到死 别再说 大道理 不要分 我和你 在此时 我是你 Sunday, January 01, 2012 @ 8:00 PM
Goodbye 2011 and Hello 2012 And so I bid goodbye to 2011 and welcome 2012, in the same fashion as last year. Countdown with 0106 peeps at marina square. Many things happened in 2011 and I took away with me many lessons in life. Some things that I can recall offhand now - took an entire sem worth of modules by myself and learnt much from working with others, it's okay for me to eat alone and sometimes I even enjoy that quiet moment by myself to reflect and think, a student status can be the best and worst thing to have at work, submitted application for PhD studies, attempted to write a research proposal by my own effort - which was pretty disastrous in my opinion (too idealistic and trying to do too many things). And the most vivid memory would be that of those experienced in recent months. Life has been kinda like a roller-coaster, maybe not in terms of things that have happened but the emotions that I went through. A one end, I was celebrating with people whom I don't really know yet feeling so happy and excited about it. At the other end, I was arguing with my friends for some uncontrollable events in terms of the way they unfolded. Yet at the same time, I re-found new friendships in people whom I didn't really put in effort to connect to previously. But at the end of the day, I can only sum up everything that happened with one word - uncertain. Was I really happy? Did I make the right choice? Do they really know me after all? Which brings me to my New Year resolution for 2012. Mentioned to my countdown peeps that I will change my thinking in 2012. More specifically, in two ways both from within and without. First, not to be that self-centered in my thinking - notice I've always been overthinking and always about issues related to myself; but sometimes there isn't a need to overthink abt wad others say/do, and next, to put more trust in others. But all these will stem from one main mode of action that has to be taken - to let go. To let go of stubborness, single-mindedness, selfishness and most importantly of myself. If I cannot let go of my old insecure self to built up confidence in others and ultimately myself, I will forever remain self-centered and entrapped in endless cycles of negative thinkings. I have to start somewhere though to achieve this far away abstract resolution - I wonder how though. Just so happen, a TVB show came along which theme falls neatly in line with my new year resolution - or perhaps it worked the other way, the show has influenced my thinking. But anyhow, as I walk down the journey with the characters, I learn more about myself along the way. Always enjoyed such shows which makes me reflect and focusses my thinking. 《天与地》片尾曲 - 《年少无知》 只可惜生活是一堆挫折 只可惜生命是必须妥协 只可惜生活是一声发泄 只可惜生命是一声抱歉 如果 命运能选择 十字街口你我踏出的每步更潇洒 如何 命运能坦白 旧日所相信价值不必接受时代的糟蹋 如果 命运能演习 现实中不致接纳一生每步残酷抉择 如果命运能坦白，或许就能勇敢面对，再潇洒放下。 Maybe on a more trivial (actually not really..) note, I've become more 懒散 recently. Hope to become the active and efficient me again. Be more proactive - I guess that signifies a more positive outlook of life and hopes that lie ahead! =D Happy 2012 everyone! Fireworks this year - I tried taking photo, but alas decided to enjoy the moment instead. Beautiful memories are stored in the mind or heart, whether or not they exist in reality or were artificially made to stay in reality. |