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Friday, June 11, 2010 @ 9:59 PM
Coming to a decision and looking back. Another week at work! Hmm and my internship is gonna real soon, especially with all the happening stuffs next week. Sneak preview :)  Which brings me to the next issue - FS minor. Hmm I once thought I could do everything and anything just to fulfil this dream of mine; even if I don't become a forensic scientist, at least I get to have a feel of it during my 4 years in uni. But I didn't act on it. I've sort of forgotten about this already; until recently, a colleague actually mentioned that I can consider a career in Forensic Science. It seems like Chem Eng might be able to meet the pre-requisite. I appeared very excited over this idea, yet there was this residual regrets/disappointment of the lost opportunity together with some element of doubts as to whether this is really the case. I guess what's gone is already over; I've kind of identified what I want for myself as of now, so it's time to fight along this path. Sometimes many right things can happen in your life and you just need to catch a right one at the right time and somehow, it becomes the right one. Just finished reading the book "Blink". Although taken as a whole, I thought it was a rather redundant book since it's like trying to tell you "decisions made at a moment could be most accurate" yet cautioning you that "it could turn out very wrong too" - so at the end of the day, it's as good as saying, it depends on whether you're lucky. But its individual segments were thought-provoking with interesting snippets that engages the mind. I remember one part about how "We all have this gut feeling about what we want. This instinct probably reflects your true preference. The moment we try to logically justify and reason out a choice, we begin to fit our decision to a set of pre-defined criteria. This gives us a sense of security that our decision has been carefully thought out, even though it often leads to a choice that deviates from our heart." (grossly paraphrased version. lol) I guess that's reflective of many situations that I land myself in - I try to reason out a decision and force myself into dilemmas; yet if a decision is indeed made after thinking through for a long time, at some point of time, I'll know that it was a wrong choice. Okays, I guess the "reflection" moments shld stop here. At least I suppose I've cut down on my frequency of over-thinking recently, and actually got down to getting what I think I want to do done. On a random note, on the bus just now, I thought of something that seemed like a dream (note: I wasn't sleeping - yet). Only that it seemed so real. Just that it isn't. I'm going to shop ard aimlessly by myself tomorrow! Going to get some formal clothings, even though I don't exactly need them now. Come to think of it, actually I do. Target: An office pants, a pencil skirt, at least one top. And of cos, I'll keep a lookout for casual wears too. Probably should get a good pair of jeans and some new tops. In short, serious outflow of cash again. lol. Labels: Reflection Saturday, May 15, 2010 @ 9:52 AM
When negatives meet positivity Went for a run today. Feels good and weather's good too. :) So much so that I just had to increase my number of rounds to 25, that means 6.25 - 7.5 km worth of distance. Nice! I'm so gonna hit 10 click one day. As usual, running gives me some alone time to think. Today, I think that I've always been asking the wrong questions all these while, ie. "why? how? can i? is it possible? what if? what will happen if?" All these reflect fears, whether of uncertainties, lack of confidence, of the future, etc. It's time to adjust my mentality to switch to asking the question of "why not?". All along, I needed compelling reasons for me to do anything, otherwise I'll just stay in my own comfort zone. Now, I think I want to venture out to unknown regions, perhaps even out of my "expertise zone", just for the sake of the experience, unless there are pressing reasons suggesting for me not to do so. At the end of the day, many of the fears are actually unfounded and upon reflection, turn out to be just excuses for escapism. Just try, and don't feel awkward trying, because the thought of awkwardness is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anyway, regarding interactions with others, I think I've always had lots of inhibitions and reservations. Not that I'm going to become outgoing overnight, but I guess when I first interact with others, I shouldn't bring along the mentality that, "Okays, I think they're gonna hate me and have negative impression of me. What should I do? Maybe I shouldn't do anything." What I should have is a postive attitude. I know this isn't me because I actually feel more comfortable remaining solemn/silent, however, housing those negative thoughts accumulates ill-feelings over time making me feel horrible too. The thing is about striking a balance, to still be myself without being overly repressed - I ain't a Ms. Popular or Ms. Crowd Entertainer, but I certainly ain't intending to become Ms. Hated, at least not by virtue of my own imagination. So, I think a good starting point would be to mimick the positivity aura that impressed me towards the end of last sem. That's not me I know, but I'll figure out my own style someday. Yes, this shall be the way forward! Whatever that might have gone wrong, has already gone wrong; what I can do now, is to try to right the wrong and not grumble about the wrongs. :) Labels: Reflection Saturday, May 01, 2010 @ 9:37 PM
Collection of random thoughts 偶尔 is playing on air now. When was the last time I specially mentioned about this song? I have this song on my computer and hp, but the thing about catching it on air by chance always leaves a different type of impact. Maybe I could say that, every moment spent specially looking for a something is a moment lost in experiencing the surprises life has for us. Since I'm on the issue of songs, there's another funny thing that I realised about my playlist. Often, I have a playlist containing songs that matters. Yet along the way, I'll start adding more and more songs to the playlist such that it becomes just another playlist. When its distinctive feature gets eroded away with the increment in number of tracks, often of songs that didn't really matter, what I will do is that, I'll just start a new playlist. I simply cannot delete away songs from the playlist, even if they're songs that I often find myself skipping. It's reflective of the way I act in reality too - indecisive. The difficult part about making a choice isn't about choosing what you want, but learning to forgo what you do not want. I'd rather run away, do something else, go for the third option etc, than to just make the choice that I want bravely. Another random thought that I have is that, often we find ourselves saying things without anyone listening even though there could be people hearing. When we repeatedly say the same thing over and over again, what exactly are we trying to prove? Are we trying hard to get our point across? Could it be that we thought others haven't heard the point we're trying to make? Yet, isn't it ironical to repeat for such reason? Since the fact that they heard but did not listen to what you have to say meant that it ain't something that they will process in their mind, so what for repeat? Maybe on retrospect, it simply meant that we're not looking for a listening ear either; we just need a sense of security, a sort of approval while trying hard to elicit the desired response. Either way, the conversation ain't working because we're saying things with an outcome in mind, and they're not listening despite hearing it. Looking back within myself, the more others want me to see a certain point, but ain't telling me directly; the more I will not get the point, despite getting it. Bottomline is, I don't exist just to serve the ends others seek to get; and conversely, I should also learn not to do/say things with specific ends in mind. We don't need others to certify or reassure our own existence; even if they do, it's just hollow words forced out by our own means. Same goes the other way round. A one word summary of everything can be found in sincerity. Anw, for the past 2 days, the rumour about Lady Gaga has been spreading over the net like wild fire. To be honest, I was shocked and disgusted when I first chanced upon the news. Felt sick, really. On second thought, it can't be real, especially if we were to look at where it originated from (I think I was searching about it first hand the moment the source appeared). Now the point is, media is really scary and it simply highlights the importance of being able to discern truth from lies. Whether it's real, I think the originator has managed to achieve his/her goal - everyone's talking about this. Looking at things in broader persective, it's hard to ignore the fact that many things have a larger end embedded within the official outcome portrayed. It's just like all those psychological experiments conducted - how they'll tell you 'what it is about' when actually that just serves as a mean for them to fulfil the real purpose of the experiment. I've always wondered if that's ethical. Hmmm... Okies end of randomness and back to my HMT :D T3W! HAHAHA :D Labels: Reflection Wednesday, April 28, 2010 @ 10:25 PM
An interim break I'm 3/4.5 done with my exams! Which just started yesterday, but I'm ending only on 7th May. So as of now, I'm entering my second cycle of reading week until my next exam on 6th May, which I'm sure will be a fun-filled one. Lol! It feels weird actually, cos I've never had such a spaced-out exam timetable before; and it's quite okay really. I thought it'd take quite a bit of stamina to keep going, but it turned out fine after all. Anyway, after the exam today (as well as yesterday), I felt this sense of tranquility, with a tinge of solemnness. Not really about what went on in the hall, but about how everything added - just like that. This is especially true for the particular module I took last evening, which I believe most of us put in the most effort for. And it's consistently intensive effort due to the weekly assignments. I dunno how the end will turn out to be, but this is one single module which I feel did serve the purpose of educating us as a chem engineer. At least for me, I think that I've learnt alot from this module. Not just the technical aspect, but more of how the module challenges assumptions we make, trains us to be sharp in identifying key factors that might be easily neglected, and perhaps most importantly, to acquire the skills of thinking. It was a good journey, albeit a tough one. Kudos to both the Profs too, each with his own distinctive style - whether it's challenging us to be critical, or guiding us to give more serious thoughts to whatever that's given. I still remember beginning Week 11, I started counting down to the end of the semester, hoping that it wouldn't end. Then week 12 came along and alas Week 13. That's when we started to bid goodbye to our respective modules one by one. Reading week came and went. And moments before the commencement of the examination, I was thinking about how things are gonna end just like that. Thereafter, it ends. That's it. I bring back a concept I was playing with many years back - about how things will just come and go, no matter how relunctant we are to let things flow that quickly. I think that's one aspect of training we go through in uni (something unofficial and maybe even unintentional) - to be used to the fast-paced cycle of events and thereafter, to take changes in our strides. Anyway, I noted a careless mistake made in yesterday's paper which was really heart-wrenching. It's wasn't easy arriving at the correct approach; when i finally did, I thought, 'yay! this has to be right!' Thereafter, this was the only question that I skipped during my checking. Indeed, what went wrong was that 2 x 8000 = 8000. Being MCQ, there was nothing that could prove I knew what I was doing. It's pointless saying this of cos, and I've contemplated the possibility of just suppressing the hmm regrets? by never mentioning about this anymore. Yet I know that if I pretend that things that do matter, do not matter, it only serves to highlight the fact that they do matter after all. Nonetheless, it's all over though and with this, I close this chapter. It's a pity why there has to be a blemish to the peaceful end. So moving on, I think that being careful is an integral part of examinations. It's not just testing me on what I know, but how well I'm able to reproduce what I know with accuracy and precision within the given time period. Any glitch that could happen, will be my own fault and there's nothing I could blame on, except for myself. This is especially important for an engineer, since consequences that accompanies 'carelessness' might turn out to be disastrous. Another point is that, MCQs are reflective of reality, where you are judged to be either right or wrong. That's life. We always perceive reality to be full of grey regions, but perhaps it's an illusion. Sometimes, we already have in us, a judgement of what's right or wrong; yet officially, we always try to balance things out and justify the other side of the story. Really, an answer does lie within ourselves, perhaps hidden from our consciousness, and our attempt to 'weigh the factors' is just a subconscious move to search for that answer. So yup, I've learnt much from this semester - be it technically, or in terms of self-reflection. And I'll continue on this journey to learn about the lessons of life. :) Labels: Reflection Thursday, April 22, 2010 @ 2:04 PM
Think Simple Hmm, I guess sometimes, there's really a need to think simple. I was crazy enough to attempt to solve the cyclone project again; this time without bothering about which type of cyclone is the best - just use HE Stairmand cyclone that's all. Step-wise, I did whatever that was used in tutorials. Results - assumed single parallel arrangement - (overdesign based on del_P = 1200 Pa): N = 37, D = 1.30m, x50 = 4.485 microns - (critical design, ie. del_P = 1500 Pa): N = 32, D = 1.32m (~1.30m), x50 = 4.485 microns Hmm.. haha I'm not that concerned about how things could have been done back then. It just surprises me how simple things can turn out to be. Guess how long I took to do this? Less than 10min I think. Yet back then, we took numerous days - literally from morning to night and overnight. I guess that's reflective of school/life - sometimes when we're given something simple, we tend to overthink. Eg. the moment we know that it's a project, we thought, man it's gonna be a killer, there's lots to be done - matlab? iteration? That's the preconception that we take with us when we first step into the situation. This preconceived notion already sets the stage for us - that is, how difficult or easy it can be. I rmb my already-dropped econs module lecturer once said, 'the moment u step into this class, your grade has been decided - how smart you are, how hardworking you are and how much effort you are willing to put into this course; u know the type of people you are.' That's very true I think. It might be a good idea to enter a situation as a "blank slate" - that way we can see things in the purest form, unpolluted by what we think it is and will be. The funny thing is, when we overthink, it clogs our mind, hinders us from seeing a clear path - and hence, everything becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is, our cluttered thoughts are the very source of complications resulting in great difficulties. Looking back at the project, we tried to consider too many things - types of cyclones? cost? single/parallel/series-parallel? The thing is, we're not confident of many things eg. cost, evaluations and series. It's a good thing that we tried though since it's better than brushing them aside by virtue of lack of knowledge; yet the thing is, we didn't really get to fill in the gaps of what we didn't know either. Rather, we just pressed on, half-puzzled about what's going on yet still insisting on considering so many factors. It's a complication that we can't comprehand yet; yet we still chose to be trapped in it. So the take-home lesson I feel is that, always think simple. You can expand on the simple idea with gradual acquiring of knowledge; but when you start off complicated, it's difficult to track back to the simple path. Life's not that complicated actually; it's all in the mind. And with respect to this topic that i'm on, neither is school. Like what the wise lecturer once said, 'you think your lecturers are out to fail you? No.. we can't wait to see you all moving on.' I recall TJ's bio notes footer - 'Be consistent. Be Persistent. DO NOT be resistent. Be NOT complacent.' Indeed, next time, I shall learn to accept things with a positive mind - taking everything as a learning experience, not to feel as though they're a torture/chore/some poison (for lack of better words). The learning journey Labels: Reflection Monday, April 19, 2010 @ 12:49 PM
Learning a lesson from mistakes When things go wrong, it's pointless to think of 'What if..' and 'Had I known earlier..' It's useless to justify what has gone wrong because it has already gone wrong. Brooding over such thoughts doesn't help the situation, except maybe to make myself feel worse. No point attributing blame to bad luck or chance occurrences. It's more important to identify the cause and face up to the mistake. Most of the time, it's simply reflective of a lack of effort; even if 99% care has been taken, that 1% lack is sufficient to create trouble. It doesn't matter if it's just 1% of 80% lack of preparedness; bottomline is, I just have to account for that absense of full preparedness that's all. Another step that I should taken in my life, is to learn how to face up to my own mistakes bravely rather than grabbing aimlessly onto excuses in an attempt to justify my acts. After admitting to them, truly learn a lesson and move on with life taking care not to repeat that same mistake. That's the process of learning; and it's not about doing things wrongly repeatedly and simply just thinking, 'Oh, isn't that just so me?'. Learn all lessons gracefully without feeling bitter about anything. :) Labels: Reflection Thursday, April 01, 2010 @ 9:23 PM
Pin down the 'Moment' Time is something that had eluded me and continues to do so. It's arbitrary yet it defines almost every other things. Anyhows, I increasingly believe that we should do things based on our interest at that moment; the more we ponder and the longer it takes, the more uncertain we become. Nothing remains constant; if we were to allow some time to see that our choice is right, it only serves to make the choice seems less correct. By giving more time, it only allows the momentum to decay (with time). Sometimes, all it takes is to pin down the 'moment' and do what we want. We might regret the choice; or we might end up regretting missing the opportunity to even regret the choice. There isn't a singular answer, there are multiple of them in a lifetime; it's just a matter of which one you choose to hold onto, that is, if you don't choose, the perfect answer will still not appear. Hmm almost everyone that knows me sufficiently well enough (that is, beyond how I look like and my name) will know my fascination with MDWAV. I've been playing with this idea for quite some time, and I think I just have to admit that the craze has already died down. Long died down actually; the excitement I portray whenever people still continue mentioning about the show to me is more of a reflex action rather than true excitement. It's still my favourite show nonetheless, all things being equal. But craze do die down, sooner or later; or rather, I haven't been crazy over things that is able to last till any particular moment. They all decay sooner or later. Still, I've never regretted being so into the show, despite others thinking that I've gone mad. haha. Well, it's a good example of how things that don't last doesn't necessarily mean that they're not worth grabbing and treasuring at the moment. Actually I dunno where this post is heading towards. Maybe I should just say, if we wanna do something, just get it done then and there. Otherwise, it's as good as never getting it done even though the mind wishes to do so. There's no such thing as wait and see; only wait and wait, or take and go. There's no forever, there's no correct answer; there's only the question of what matters at the moment. As usual, shall end off with a random quote. Rather disjoint from the entire post, but nonetheless left quite a deep impression in me cos I heard it two days in a row - once on radio, the other time over TV show. "The antithesis of love isn't hate; it's indifference." Hate necessarily stems from love; it can't exist if you're not concerned. But indifference is what remains when all the love is gone. Interesting thought isn't it? Good Friday isn't all that good; I don't really yearn for the holiday. I don't mind going to school! And also, I wouldn't have to do all the make-ups too. And I get to attend interesting lesson! Plus keep up with all the joys and laughters! I don't want the semester to end :`( About to come to an end as aruptly as it started.. Labels: Reflection Wednesday, March 10, 2010 @ 9:40 PM
Confidence I suppose it is necessary to feel/be confident at the right occasion. It's weird how others have to persuade me that I'm up to the job when it should be the other way round. Really biazzare and I'm not intending to depend solely on such lucky encounters in the future. When it's time to rise to the occasion, it ain't time to remain humble, or rather, to retreat to the safe comfort zone. It should be the time when I step up to the job, give it my best shot, so as to produce a result that meets expectation and satisfies everyone. It's pointless feeling unsure, give a substandard effort, having everyone else to encourage you, only to withdraw after all. The point is, give it my best shot and quit worrying so much. And on a random note, did i mention about how I should stop thinking so much? Yes, I really think so. Labels: Reflection Saturday, March 06, 2010 @ 11:25 AM
Over-thinking I seriously feel that I'm always thinking too much and giving too much considerations to things that didn't matter. Maybe I should start doing things based on what I want or feel, rather than trying to anticipate what others are expecting/reacting. (I don't intend for this to translate to being inconsiderate, just to stop over-thinking about stuff.) After all, often than not, I wouldn't know what's going on on others' mind; at other times, whatever that I'm concerned with might just seem like a joke to them. At the end of the day, the conclusion arrived after giving things so much deliberate turns out rather wrong. Especially since I don't bother explaining how I arrive at this seemingly -.- conclusion. I guess, that's it.. Sometimes we just need to be frank with our opinions, and when everyone's frank about stuff, things will work out somehow when we all talk it out. That should be better than everyone trying second guess every other things and we all end up doing/saying stuff that totally misses everyone's point. A simple random and totally-besides-the-point example. When I'm trying to cross the road.. Let's say I missed the green man by a few seconds, I will feel super guilty pressing the button again to make it green again. Cos I will think that the cars will have to stop barely a few seconds after the previous batch was stopped. It's as though I'm delaying them. But the thing is, whoever cares about such stuff in reality? If you need to cross the road, just press the button, get the green man, the cars will stop for you and you just walk over to the other side. Something that simple yet I gotta think so much. Duh! Don't try to think like 'others' if i'm not 'others'. Labels: Reflection Saturday, February 13, 2010 @ 4:00 PM
End of first 'half' So the first half of the semester is over already. That was fast! Okies so looking back, I spent.. Week 1 fretting over whether to drop a module, which to drop and how to drop. Lesson learnt is that, don't be greedy and opt for so many modules during MEP, and don't assume I will not get any of my preferred module. And more importantly, to make a decision swiftly and quit thinking so much. There's no direct positive correlation between amount of thoughts and correctness of decision made, so to speak. Hmm.. Week 2 thinking back about the previous semester and making comparison against current semester; in short, resisting changes. Lesson learnt is that it's sometimes pointless to compare and contrast, even though inevitably we do it. There's always merits and flaws in almost everything and actually when we compare, what we are essentially doing is to match the best of every other thing with the worst of what we are currently experiencing. Week 3 everything's settled and I've adapted to the new semester. And thereafter Week 4 and 5 saw me enjoying whatever I'm doing now and refinding the joy I had previously. :) And yes, recently I've developed a warped sense of what's 'fun' and 'interesting' hahaha. Lesson learnt, it's all about the timing, it's pointless to ponder over whether something's right, because the nature of the 'rightness' changes with time anyway; just enjoy the moment of what you think is best. Today's too short to think about tomorrow; and I don't literally mean stop planning for the future. Oh yes, and I'm CCA-less after all. And yes, I've grown lazy searching for CCA again; anyway it's too late now so try again next sem! excuses excuses. hahaha.. Oh and dunno why i just simply like seeing this diagram. hahahha. too bad I don't have a tablet so gotta make do with drawing using Paint. the best part of the diagram is to see it in this colour and drawn freehand! I simply had to draw this on my assignment whenever I see CSTR even though it's not required! !_!
On a even more random note, I think Pasta Mania's Seafood Zuppa is worth a try! Nice! portion wasn't very satisfying though despite the deceiving huge serving bowl. Almost finished all the soup :D Labels: Reflection Friday, January 01, 2010 @ 12:45 AM
Looking forward to 2010 based on what i see in 2009, here's what i think i'll see for 2010. school-wise, i hope i can finally decide on whether i'll continue with my econs degree -.- as many people have told me, it's almost 2 years and i haven't decided. actually to continue is just a need, not a want. as of now, i feel that engineering is a path i'd enjoy taking. With this, my initial "motive" of taking econs as a backup degree has vanished. why im still in this programme is that.. i'm already in it and i feel "lazy" exiting it. plus i don't like to give up. but then again, it can be something positive too since it's more of knowing what i want isn't it? and there's other stuff that im seriously considering, but i dunno if i'll see it through after all.. cca-wise, i want to join a cca! missed the opportunity to join the comm for charity fiesta :( oh wells, maybe i'll join as faciliator then. really hope to experience a life filled with more activities, but i dowan to see cca as a need/burden. i really want to join a cca purely for interest. :D hope to keep in contact with my friends too! more meetups! on a personal level... hope to be more decisive in whatever i do. tt's a major thing lacking in me tt's bringing about so many dilemmas. learn to be more independent too - even though i appreciate time alone, i'm afraid of being left alone too. hopefully im able to embrace the concept of alone-ness. complain less! i realise i'm a perfectionist and i have low level of tolerance for even slight deviation from my ideal situation. really, life's not perfect and i have to learn how to accept the imperfectness. of cos i'll still continue to fight hard for what i want, but should things fall out of expectations, it's time to acknowledge it and continue moving on with life. once again, i repeat my wish for the gone 2009 - not to 钻牛角尖。 new year resolutions? hmm not in the habit of thinking about these though.. I'll just have continuous self-reflection without a clear precise goal in sight then! haha.. あけましておめでとう2010! Labels: Reflection Thursday, December 31, 2009 @ 11:51 PM
Looking back at 2009 My life's as ordinary as ever, revolving around school, home, computer, tv and friends. It's a good time for some reflection, but somehow the numerous thoughts i once had are simply not in my mind now. Just came back from "countdown" gathering with 01 peeps (even though the countdown hasn't even started lol) no pix cuz my phone is very bad at indoor/night photo. hmm the numbers have shrunk significantly, but i guess numbers are mere figures. yups many of us saw how rapidly the past 2 years have passed and were alarmed at how some of us will be graduating in about a year's time. anw i noted that even though we were doing our usual share of b*-ing, the feel has changed since back then. it's more of looking back at how things were once upon a time. i guess things have and will change but it's more important to move on without thinking too much about the fact that changes do occur. Anyway, back to topic once again.. school's been good in year 2009, in the sense that finally i'm exposed to some official chem eng modules which im able to identify with and enjoy the process of learning. i'm grateful for everything - be it the faculty, course or people. makes me feel very "at home". even though i've heard about "politics" in uni, i don't feel it around me. im glad that the environment i find myself in has been friendly thus far. looking even further back, it was once a shocking thing that I didn't make chemistry my major - in fact till today i stil have people thinking im from science. i've given up dsta to make the switch over to chem engin for unknown reasons that i still have yet to find out. but somehow things worked out (fortunately) for the better and by many random occurrences, i ended up where i am now. about meetups.. somehow i had more meetups over the past few months than the past few years. especially for my sec sch old frens. :D but then again somehow the meetups for jc classmate has decreased in frequency (and in numbers too..) i shld say that it's all about a delicate balance. how do we maintain friendships without seeing it as an obligation/burden. how do we ensure that we keep in contact naturally, seeing it as a want and not a need. im happy about the meetups i had and im glad to note how the essence hasn't changed inspite of the numerous observable changes. about some random observations.. i think that people really do behave differently with others and by themselves. by this, i don't refer to all those fakeries and backstabbings. Rather, it's something more subtle and involuntary - it's about how one's character just change when put in a crowd. we hardly have the luxury to preserve the self that we thought we are. sometimes it just cant be helped. i think it takes time, skills and experience to see beyond what things seem to be and recognise their original form. maybe we can apply the law of physics here - the act of observing changes how things behave.. (disclaimer: nv really learnt such law. only happened to see it randomly somewhere so i might be wrong after all..) i really dowan to commit the fallacy of seeing people in the wrong form. yet much as i hope to avoid passing judgement on others, it's an inevitable process of impression formation. and i dunno to what extent we are able to accept someone for who he/she is, when we know that everything's gonna appear different in reality. okies moving back to a more personal level.. i think an important lesson i've learnt is to go slow and think marginally. lol sounds weird but there's much more to be gained when the pace of viewing things slow down. better still, if the inhibition of time can be lifted, i'd really learn to enjoy things for what they are. and yes, i think im more random than ever and the way i see things is more "unique" than ever. even though i believe there's still more to be said, i'll leave things as it is here. i should think that year 2009 has been a good year for me, looking inwards within myself. okies, goodbye 2009! Labels: Reflection Tuesday, November 24, 2009 @ 11:27 PM
零碎的反省 突然之间做了些反省。 觉得自己一直被“自己”禁锢了。想太多，再想想太多，就这样一层层的顾虑与犹豫把思想封死了。很多时候，想做却再想想“想做”的后果，最后原地踏步，什么决定也没做出。 自己很知觉或不知觉地避开所有“虚假”的行为。最后太极端的想法/要求或许只会令自己活在压抑之下。我已对“虚假”做出了定义，而自己只会死板的为了“不想虚伪”而躲开“虚伪”，哪怕有些被列为“虚伪”的行为或许是我当时真的想做的事。从“蔡健雅-拋物線”断章取义地用这一段歌词“我们用真心就不会有差错”。我必须学会找寻自己，做自己的自己。 自己也习惯性的对其他人冷冷淡淡或是忽冷忽热。总觉得客套话情愿不说，酒肉朋友不要也罢。今天在考场上有些人跟我打招呼。不算熟，但再想想，有谁不是从“不熟”开始？他们的好意，换来的是我的尴尬回应或甚至回避。说穿了，只是自己的社交能力低。有时会想，要是打招呼别人没回应怎么办，打个招呼过后不知该说什么怎么办等等，因此甘愿选择逃避。简单的选择，但只是缺乏努力的征兆。 自己有的“性格”原来只不过是个避风港，是种懦弱的行为。花木兰：“逃避不能解决问题，害怕只会使得我们更懦弱。”该是勇敢学习的时候了！这两天里做了些突破自己的举动。虽微不足道，也没什么大事，但却代表着我将会打开自己心灵枷锁的第一步。我对自己承诺，我一定会战胜自己的。 Labels: Reflection Saturday, October 03, 2009 @ 9:26 PM
变质 刚才想尝试试听Eason的新专辑。听了一分钟，却按停了。原本以为他的“给你”满好玩的，后来发现原来他的风格已改变了。或许他现在做的是他喜欢的音乐，我也无权批评。但总觉得他似乎太在意技巧的运用了。也许对我而言，“不想放手”是让我有最深刻的专辑了吧。 而我也觉得自己的blog似乎变质了。有的没有的，都往blog丢。一时的牢骚也要记录下来，实在太杂了。刚好又幸运的点击到一个发人深思的blog，非常真实地道出他人生的经验与看法。当然，大家有自己的风格。我希望的是能永远维持这个blog，而可笑的是，我本身觉得我的“我和僵尸有个约会”的blog比这个主页更“出色”。不是为了比较，只是突然觉得它似乎偏离了我原有的一些想法。  变质的东西对我来说没有意义了。但我这次不会放弃它，并会将它慢慢引回我最初的想法。 Labels: Reflection Thursday, October 01, 2009 @ 11:22 PM
It's time to stop It's time to stop grumbling over everything and move on in life. I'm so irritated at how I'll remind myself of small little details of life every now and then. It's not okay to say that it's okay if I've haven't gotten over things. If I'm truly okay with it, it's time to stop thinking about it and move on with life. I'm really irritated at the fact that even though I try to have such attitudes, I can't sustain my "energy" in trying to keep my efforts going. Recurring thoughts surface, together with the temptations to run to others to bemoan about all those little unfortunate events.  Sometimes I feel bounded by my own thoughts and suffocated by my misgivings. Really, what's the point of all these? Labels: Reflection |
CNY eve today~ which means CNY is coming soon. And er so is christmas? o.o (old joke, i wonder who rmbs it) Brand new lunar year, brand new start of a brand new me. All along i've been thinking about rediscovering myself; now's the time to start doing something about it! On a random note, I ended the last lesson of the halfway mark on a positive note - did a presentation the way i expected it to be despite having a sore throat! :D