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Saturday, October 30, 2010 @ 2:21 PM
Raining. It's raining. Just a random thought that I have this love-hate relationship with rain. But no matter what, my preference for rainy days still outweighs that for sunny days. It's cooling and calm out there, but rain induces this sense of powerless and loneliness too. Which somewhat I "enjoy" (probably not the correct word, but using it for lack of appropriate vocab) yet fear at the same time. And this sense of love-hate relationship with rain makes rain even more alluring than ever, as I seek to explore/discover why such extreme feelings exist. It's the feeling that I don't or can't understand that drives me understand even further, but this in itself is a very contradictory pursuit in itself. The process to the end makes me excited, but the attainment of the end renders the entire pursuit non-existent. Do I really want to know, or do I just want to continue to try to know? Maybe that's why answers don't exist for many things; it kills the joy of it all. [Added] Hmm it's quite a good feeling to be sitting in the comfort of my home, as I listen to songs of foreign language (jap i think. Otherwise it's korean o.o). The fact that I don't understand what's being sung somewhat makes me appreciate the songs more. I guess when I think I know with my head, perhaps it just kills the meaning of it all. Labels: thoughts Wednesday, April 21, 2010 @ 6:48 PM
Just a thought Can't help but to wonder.. How do you differentiate between false sense of happiness and true pains of sorrows? That adrenaline rush you get when you see/hear/do things - is that sufficient enough to prove that that's really something you are happy about? How about if you consciously know that that's not real? That is, does feelings necessitate the real existence of what you are feeling about, or can feelings just exist out of nowhere, even from conjured facts? So is happiness real/false due to its inherent nature, or must it be based on existence of external factors? The lingering feeling of sadness that fills you - does it linger because you really feel sad, or are you consciously reminding yourself of whatever you are feeling sad about (either by constantly thinking of it, or by constantly trying not to think of it, ironically) thus inducing the sadness? That is, what is the cause of this emotion? Sadness by virtue of sadness? Is it natural, accidental, or intentional? That brings me to the broader topic of what feelings are. Do they come about naturally, or do we forcefully pull it out by thinking that, hey, that's what I should be feeling now. It's just like how we perceive the withdrawal of our hands to be a reflex action - something natural, and we'd withdraw our hands before we consciously think of what actually happened. Yet actually, it's already processed and well-coordinated in the brain, before we actually realise anything. It's just the subtle difference between knowing, and realising that we know. Zooming out even more. Is our consciousness really what we perceive it to be? Is there a limit to what we are conscious about; or do we self-impose a limit way beyond our real limit? After all, we tend to choose to see what we want to see; that's why we have devised ways of looking. Are we able to delude ourselves so thoroughly that we don't realise that it's all a delusion altogether? Maybe we're all in it together, the collective sense of delusion. If everyone's in this same lie, does the lie still remains a lie or does it become a reality? That is, how real is the reality that we're perceiving? Labels: thoughts Sunday, April 18, 2010 @ 10:02 AM
Diffuse 。 绝口不提 Hmmm there are many things that I thought I might want to say, but after a run just now, I've consolidated my thoughts and so 沉淀了心情也决定了绝口不提。At my 19th round, I told myself for the next 2 round, think of whatever not nonsense that I had to and thereafter, they should cease to exist. Once again, the classical scene and line from The Healing Hands 3 flashed by - 没有用的. I think this is the only scene I can remember from the show; and the very scene that fortified my impression of Henry and Sarah. And yes, so whatever not stuff about people coming into and leaving from our lives will just be a passing thought and I think it's more important to enjoy whatever time anyone of us will have with everyone else. Thinking about things that wouldn't make a difference to anything, merely diverts our energy and attention away from what could have made more sense. But I just had to mention the word diffuse - something that I will unknowingly use to describe many things recently. Well, those diffuse thoughts had to end somewhere, along with the word diffuse itself. Borrowing the incident from yesterday, I once again wonder, if a lie, if told sufficiently long and convincingly, will become the truth? Not absolutely, but how about relatively? Just wonder if none of us told our creative director what exactly went on, will it become a truth for her that few of us were late, I went to meet my fren, etc? Anyway, while walking back from my run, I suddenly thought that life is really about choices. By that, I mean, there's no concept of right and wrong, truth or lies. It's just a matter of what we choose, including how we choose to percieve things. I've always lived my life in a rather backward induction manner, that is, thinking about consequences and from there, decide on my choice. Yet, it might be a tiring process trying to act prophet and anticipating what might happen; and that does divert energy away from experiencing what will happen actually. It's akin to tying down myself with consequences that wouldn't have existed by virtue of the fact that I'm thinking about them since by thinking about them, I wouldn't have made that choice. Rather circular. I think I should be a more forward-looking person; by that I mean doing things along the linear flow. Give some thoughts to a decision and just do it. To make a choice that I truly believe in, and then living with the consequences might not be a bad idea after all. At least I get to experience my choice; beats missing out on the experience altogether because of consequences that wouldn't have come about anyway. Or simply put, I need to make a choice bravely, and not escape completely. On a random note, I notice that people tend to make a choice and psycho themselves that it is a choice that they want when actually it's not. How do I know? When an alternative is presented to them, they will be filled with excitment and jump ship over. It's different feel from the previous choice where there's one thousand and one reasons justifying their choice. I really hope that I can see my real choice carefully and I think that can be achieved ironically by thinking less. Another thought I had in my mind over the past few weeks was that.. It's funny how I will set my music player to shuffle mode, only to find myself hoping that it will jump to a certain song. Yet, I wouldn't know what song I'm wishing for; just that I know that if it 1) jumps to track 1, I will feel disappointed about why it's this song or 2) go to Track 2, and I'll feel that it's exactly the song I'm looking for. I think this is reflective of my life too - I don't know consciously what I want, yet subconsciously I already have an end in mind. I can go through paths that I feel uncomfortable with yet I still live through it; but when I end up at the right path, I know that it is something I've always been waiting for. The next more drastic and funny thing I do with my music player is that, if the track isn't what I want, I will just keep clicking next (while in shuffle mode) until it reaches something that I want. It'd be easier if I scrolled through my song list directly; yet i'd rather randomly reach the end that I want. Why? I think I can't choose when presented with a list because I don't really know what I want; yet I will know what I want if it does appear somehow. Maybe that's why I'm that random - the concept of randomness just appeals to me. It's arupt, but I shall end it off by saying, diffuse - diffuse away with the word diffuse. And 绝口不提了。 Labels: thoughts Monday, February 08, 2010 @ 8:44 PM
Capability in the absence of weaknesses I notice that sometimes, how capable one is might not literally be measured in terms of one's ability, but rather, how well one hides one's weaknesses. Labels: thoughts Wednesday, January 27, 2010 @ 8:04 PM
Critical. Critics. Criticism I think i've become more critical of things recently. Not too bad per se; at least it shows that I'm thinking. The downside is that, I'm still unable to live under critics. Or rather, I can't help but to continue to fear criticism. It's time to learn how to accept criticisms, especially if they're constructive and nothing personal. If i defend myself too much, I'm just running and hiding from the truth. Anyway, was randomly looking back at my past 1+ years in uni and I realise that i'm lazy to do things that I hoped to do. Not lazy in the sense that i don't do tutorials or study or do things that are instructed to me; I'm pretty much self-motivated and goal-oriented when there's things laid out for me to do. Rather, I'm lazy in pursuing things that are optional but nonetheless there in front of me. Be it CCAs, random CIP activities, some talks in topics im interested in, other opportunities - I never ever attended any one of them. Usually I'll feel excited, but the excitement remains as just an abstract source of energy never materializing into something substantial. At least starting this sem, I've become more proactive in seeking things that I want eg. NUH volunteering (although it all went down to nothing cos of timing mismatch) and signing up for some energy/gas talk (which talked about christmas trees lol). None was particularly successful, but it feels good having attempted to pursue what I want, whether or not the end was met. There's a whole lot of things that I want to do - mostly CIP stuffs and probably even source for some internship for this coming break (feel like trying research even though i didn't feel very positive towards this from previous experiences). I dunno if I'll be able to see everything through, especially so if no friends are with me. I guess there's always a time to learn to be independent; I just dunno when I'm ready to start learning. Well at least I've penned it down right here, setting a sort of "black and white" commitment to get things done! Labels: thoughts Saturday, January 02, 2010 @ 6:41 PM
两极端 在2009尾，我找到两首印象深刻的歌 - Just one last dance 和 偶尔。 一个常听到，只要开收音机每天都能听见至少一次。 另一个能说永远都不会偶然听见，只有刻意播放才能听见。 究竟是到处有迹可寻还是无处可寻较恐怖？ 当我们说看开或已释怀时， 究竟是绝口不提才是不把事情放在心上， 还是能坦然地说出才是真的不在意了？ 两个极端，难道有着同一样的诠释？ Labels: thoughts Saturday, December 19, 2009 @ 9:49 PM
Listen to be Heard  Everyone wants to be heard, but nobody is listening. The funniest conversation I've heard is when both parties say, "No, you listen to me. You have to listen to me!" Labels: thoughts Monday, December 07, 2009 @ 11:12 AM
A running experience feeling great now! went for a morning run or rather jog. condition today was pretty good and i actually ran 20 rounds! took about 40min. I suppose each round is about 300m. tt's ~ 6km :D din experience naseous feeling/twisted stomach this time round, so i just kept going. the weather was great too! initially i wanted to stop when the sun was getting glaring, but soon, the clouds came along. anw, i seriously think im getting old - had weird feeling in kneecap. had some random thoughts while walking to my running place.. I suppose it's easy to identify ourselves with strangers sometimes because there are similar characteristics linking all of us. imo, there's one glaring similiarity (in today's context) and that is of loneliness. Yet, when we know people better on personal basis, shades of differences surface and the sense of separateness grows. we might meet some people whom we are able to relate to, and that becomes our close circle of frens. but still, in general, the irony that the more we know about each other, the further the distance get, remains in spite of the "one-ness" of the form of emotions that's present. Reminds me of Yoga's 感同身受. while running, had another thought. (which was a concept that i've been playing with quite often actually) it seems that numbers lose their value when they become prominently huge. 1 might mean alot, but 1 in a million appears insignificant. in liar game, 100million debt sounds astronomical to me initially, but soon as people run into 500million debt etc, this astronomical sum of money is reduced to mere figures. It seems as though the numbers have reached their threshold limit to retain its value. Maybe every measurable quantity has a threshold limit after which we just become desensitized to what those numbers stand for after all? Probably things that will retain their value regardless of its size (this reminds me of intensive properties :O) are those whose size cannot be measured. Happiness is one of them. It's limitless, boundless; can be as big/small as we want it to be, can be absent/present depending on how we perceive it. What is the form? How do we break out of the restrictions of the physical form to see the form that truly matters? Labels: thoughts Wednesday, December 02, 2009 @ 9:39 PM
-- Steve Jobs From an email sent by my econs lecturer. Labels: thoughts Tuesday, November 24, 2009 @ 10:04 AM
moving on There's a thought that's been bothering me these few days. Partially inspired by the waiting period for exams actually. It seems that there's this unknown force driving the occurrence of events. Feels as though certain things that you knew will be happening yet it hasn't happened will happen and soon finish happening. Thinking of this linearly in time makes the whole issue trivial and brainless. Now the disturbing part is, why does this have to be so? Somewhat like the question of 1 + 1 = 2 (duh?!) but why is that so isn't all that apparent except that it has to be that way. In fact, I've lost track of how things are able to proceed. Why are things proceeding? Even more disturbing is the fact that we are moving on because time is moving on, but the facts of life should be independent of time isn't it? So what exactly is moving on? The most disturbing part of having all these thoughts is that, I dunno where I am - why am I there then and here now? Why is there this sense of continuity even though I can't pinpoint what's the thing that's continuous? Are we really moving on? What does proceed mean? What exactly is happening when we "move on"? :S  Labels: thoughts Tuesday, November 17, 2009 @ 11:55 AM
Timeless Time The time on my desktop and the clock in my com room ain't working, alongside with the time on my radio. I never knew how reliant I was on time until eg. now, when the time on my com reads 7.58am.  Time is actually an abstract concept which gives meaning to when It's arbitrary, in the sense that we can peg it against anything or any time reference (just that we don't) It's a relative concept, that is, relative to reality. Yet it seems to be working the other way round instead. Is it the time that matters? Or what went on during the time that matters? Seems like time has gone beyond its inherent form as time. I wonder what the world will be like without time, that is, even without another arbitrary system of (another) time to replace the time that we know. Don't be quick to conclude that coordinate will fail. It's hard to visualise how things might turn out to be without it when it has always been with us. Yet how about if it never did existed? Labels: thoughts Saturday, October 31, 2009 @ 11:06 AM
背影 The very last scene from "Boys over Flowers"  几年后，究竟还会有几个背影仍在我人生中留下痕迹？ Labels: thoughts @ 10:47 AM
The Mask 当你觉得你看穿一个人的面具时，你是否真的做到了呢？  你真的知道。。。 它是面具还是真实的他 它是面具还是他想让你看到的面具 而那面具究竟是。。。 虚伪的象征还是懦弱的表现 生存的道具还是现实的避风港 而面具底下的他真是。。。 面目可憎还是真诚朴实 处心积虑的奸人还是脆弱的灵魂 再回去想想，你真的认为你做到了吗？ 究竟是非常了解对方，还是自认了解而只是误解罢了？ 当我们主观地评估一个人时，已经在心里先入为主地为他塑造莫种形象了。看穿的不是“他”，而是自己觉得是他的“他”。 Labels: thoughts Friday, October 02, 2009 @ 9:27 PM
It's the end... of mid terms! :) End of Mid-terms! FINALLY! It's particularly nerve-wrecking this time round. I really prefer the last 2 sems where mid-terms are squeezed at the beginning of the week. Esp Sem 1 where I can declare myself a free being after the first day of sch re-open. haha. 4 out of my 5 mid-terms are packed on Thurs and Fri (like every single moment of my school time is spent on tests lol). And the week becomes a long draggy journey. But anyhows it's all over! :D Okies, it's gonna be an enjoyable weekend! Next week's e-learning. Okies im still going back school every day, but it's ok. There's no point grumbling about anything haha at least I don't have to spend long hours in school! :D Anw just something from 溏心风暴's ending.. Xiao Bao's words "Everything has changed." had a great impact on me. Actually apart from that incident in their family, i should say their family is a harmonious one. Yet even if things are looking good, changes are still occurring. Slowly, people will move away from status quo. If we think that we are able to hold onto anything forever, it's just gonna be disappointing. When everyone's moving on with their lives, we realise that we too have to move on. Is this a self-fulfilling prophecy?  Life's a lonely journey. Along the way, others join in. But ultimately, you still have to reach the end yourself. |